In these modern times, we have
access to so many resources and opportunities that it can often times be extremely
overwhelming. I am part of a generation of go-getters, of innovators, of new technology
and faster, smaller, better. And as this occurs, so does the pressure to be
perfect and to live up to the expectations of this generation. Especially with
women, we are bombarded with ideas, inspirations and what not on how to be
better and more perfect. How we can become smarter, prettier, funnier and yet
being tested with meaningless quizzes and games that state they can tell you something
about yourself. It is so easy to get lost in this chaos and nonsense and begin
to lose faith in the person you thought you could be.
Pressure to be perfect can be a good
thing but it also can be extremely detrimental to an individual. Especially in
a college setting, it is so easy to compare accolades with peers and deem
yourself unworthy. Lately, I have been going through a lot of this and have
been questioning my academic decisions- whether or not I am truly capable of
being a conceptual artist, whether I just went into art because I was good at
drawing, not because it was my passion. These daunting questions have overwhelmed
me to the point where I am constantly questioning my own relevance as a person
and an artist.
To describe how this has felt, I decided
to do a performance piece inspired by the many performance artists who utilized
physical restraints within their work. I took one set of weights and six jars
full of acrylic paint to use as my weights. It was important to me to use
paints as weights to reference the pressure and struggle of making good art and
also because I find them extremely heavy despite their small size. I clothed my
weights in red fabric with the intention of subtly referencing female menstruation
and the problems that can often be tied specifically to women. I will hang two
of these weights around my neck, one in front and one in back. I will hang two
of them on my shoulders and the two real weights on my wrists, making it very
difficult for me to move or lift my arms. I plan on hanging a piece of paper
above my head and attempting to write consoling phrases about my head in an attempt
to make myself ‘feel better’ about the weights that hold me down. I will write
in black with my right hand and in red with my left. My right hand is my
dominant hand and will probably have more legible writing however my left hand
will be barely readable. This is supposed to reference how diluted and abstract
these phrases can get after saying them so often until they lose their meaning
completely.
Due to the large amount of weight
and the pain of the strings on my neck and arms, I plan to write for as long as
possible, or until I fill the page. This will be a test of my ability to
tolerate pain as well as a physical representation of what I have been going
through emotionally.
