When prompted to create a self portrait, I began to think
about the essence of portraiture and what it historically has meant. Portraiture,
at the beginning of time was to document a person as realistically as possible
in order to have a historical account of their existence. As art began to
fluctuate, artists, when drawing the self, began to add other elements into
their work which implied something more than their external appearance. They
utilized their personal style and the emotive qualities that can be created
through the handling of materials to make a commentary on themselves. As I
thought of all of the aesthetically pleasing portraits and nudes I have seen in
my life, I began to realize like most things in life that they may not portray
the whole truth of how the artist sees themselves or how others see the artist.
I began to think of how I see myself versus how other see me
and realized these things were vastly different. But both views are equally
valid. As I wear large quantities of makeup every day and try to take care of
my appearance, most people generally tell me that I am an attractive individual
with admirable traits. Whether or not this is what they truly think is a matter
of its own and something I may never know but I’d like to think this may be
true. Not paying attention and being too self-absorbed makes people less keen
in noticing flaws. However, when I think of myself, all I can see is my acne. It’s
all I can think about, it’s all I assume others see about me, it blurs all of
my realities and toys with my emotions and self-perceptions. I’ve had chronic
cystic acne for about eight years now and has become more of my identity than
anything else. I never let anyone, even my close friends, see me without makeup
so it is not a part of my identify that most people associate with. But to me,
it is me, it is everything and it is what defines me. However, the way I look
all day and my “natural self” are both equally valid portrayals of who I am and
I think it is so interesting that we put such an emphasis on being “yourself”
and “natural” when my identity of makeup is just as much me as my bare face.
Makeup is a ritual for me and just as much a part of my life as my acne. I don’t
want to deny what I truly look like but I also do not want to devalue the
person I have created externally as not a valid form of myself.
I chose to do a painting of myself with three heads because I
was trying to discuss the idea of the internal self, how others see you, and
the blind inability to see both. These three fighting components influence each
other and are ultimately what becomes who you are. I was also beginning to
think about famous females who exist in groups of three and complement each
other. The Goddess Shiva, for example, has three heads and is a very significant
figure within Hinduism. I have been dying to try some work with wax, so I did some
experimenting with this piece and candle wax. I attained several shades of
bodily colors and experimented by dripping them onto the paper to represent
acne and infection. I loved how they stand off the paper because to me it represents
the projection and externalization of our largest insecurities. The actual
weight of the wax weighs the paper down, much like an insecurity does to any
given person. I did the nude in watercolor because I felt it mimicked the
translucency of the wax and still looks pristine in contrast to the wax’s lumpy
nature. In the background, I did subtle washes of purple and blue to reference
the haze of self-perception, as well as defining the figure in the middle. I
chose to pose my body in a fashion that seemed to expose a lot of skin because I
wanted to show as much damage as possible. I also wanted it to be a pose that
showed motion and gave off a tumultuous essence, in the act of balancing. With all
of these thoughts in mind, my piece definitely did not turn out how I anticipated.
I would love to expand these ideas in the future and get to know the medium of
wax better.
